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JOB: APARTMENT KICK-ASSESSER

We are looking for 5-6 people to help evaluate apartment communities in the Chicago area. This involves calling the communities, visiting and touring an apartment and then filling out a survey. Each one pays $25. Must have reliable vehicle, be able to visit during business hours and have Microsoft Word. Please send resume if interested. Serious applicants only.

RESPONSE:

Look no further prospective employer! I am here, may your river of tears run dry. I live by the slogan, “Go For It!” So first off, I say fuck calling the communities! We just walk in there and kick down the motherfuckin door! THEN we fill out a survey. You don’t want to call your bastard children and tell them you’ll be home soon from vacation! Do you?! WHATS WRONG WITH YOU! That gives em a chance to clean up! You end your vacation a day early and kick down your own motherfuckin door on saturday night when your dumbfuck kids are probably throwin a party. BUSTED! And you get to confiscate all their alcohol and illegal drugs. FUCK YEAH! THAT’S NOT EVEN THE BEST PART! Then! When your kid goes to bed to get some sleep before the ACT tomorrow, you invite all of your friends over and have a party in your child’s room and drink all of that alcohol! AND do those drugs! While they’re trying to sleep! They’ll never have a party ever again. So why give them the heads up?! What makes them so fuckin special?! They could use it for a crackhouse for all we know. But I tell you, I’m gonna need more than $25. I’d need to buy a gun, who knows what kinda crazy shit they’re doin at those places. You know what comes to mind when I or anyone else with a correct brain pattern hears reliable vehicle? Horse. That’s right! I own a horse and I ride it everywhere. I love my lil’ SugarDick. Never breaks down, never needs gas, and it’s the first vehicle to respond to abusing it verbally. Well, except for that chair that pharaohs rode on carried by slaves, but who could afford that? Not JoeMerica, that’s for damn sure. And visiting it during business hours won’t be a problem. I don’t sleep.

Sinfuckingcerely,

Steve YEAH

This Blog

Has moved to a site to host my multiple blogs….DoubleButterNipples.com

Contrary to popular belief, it is not a delicious porn site. It is my blog. Go. Now.

My Friends

The time has come to stop being such leeches and help me for a change.  Time to return the hours of labor I have so graciously given.  Time…to piss someone off.  I need a personal army, and I need it now.

The date is February 9th, 2010.  I applied for a web marketing internship that I was(let’s face it) ridiculously overqualified for.  This was my job.  I could taste it.  Still can…very, very salty, and it used to be so sweet.  I wrote a resume that would make Leonardo DaVinci’s balls shrivel up with horror and give him a bad case of limp dick for the rest of his life.  My cover letter contained sheer face-melting power, and I thought I would be strutting in there the next day, slapping my boss on the ass and asking him to get me some coffee.  When I realized I wasn’t in an office the next day, I promptly emailed the recruiting lord of LatPro Incorporated and politely asked if I had been considered.  When she responded, “We are still making our decision,” I knew that that bitch wanted me to work there.  A few more days go by, and I sent my third email:

Dear Recruiter,

It seems my congratulatory email must have gone down the wrong internet tube.  Please feel free to send another one.  As a bonus, here’s a picture of me with a star rainbow.  Thanks.

I still have no response.  And there is no way I didn’t get that job.  So, when we don’t get our way, we send lots of fucking emails to make a point.  And that point is that the only reason I still don’t have that job is because they know I’m gonna roll up in there and fuck shit up.  So, here’s what I’m asking you:  Be a part of a new revolution where the person who gets the job is the one who gets the most people to email them and flood their inbox.

This is the email:  job-a8xed-1591804817@craigslist.org

Please tell them you understand that they are intimidated by the fact that I’ll probably have their jobs if I walk in.  Ask them why they discriminate against the overqualified.  Demand answers!  Please help me.  P.S. This bitch has a spam filter, so when you email, she’ll email back with a page to confirm you are a human.  It is one more wall for me to go from SteveAppliesForJobs to SteveHasAJob.  You may gain nothing, but I will gain everything.  And that should be a motto you can live by.

JOB: Create a Tattoo For An Actual Fan of Heidi Klum’s

TATTOO WANTED CAN YOU BE CREATIVE??

I kind of like heidi klums tattoo that she got on her arm that says seal but you can’t really tell. I am trying to come up with a cool tattoo that is similar that says KEVIN. If you can draw a pic and email it I am in….please mail picture of drawing and price, I have tried to design itmyself and can’t get something I like I need some ideas!!!!Thanks

JOB: Dilf In The House

Greetings!

My name is A.J. Keller. I am the publisher and editor of Daddy’s Day. The magazine is a new publication for single, divorced, and stay- at-home dads alike. It is a new magazine for males that drive a “family car,” but still have the sports car in the garage. Currently, we are seeking your submissions. By submissions, I mean that we are looking for anything and everything that deals with one of the greatest jobs in the world, being a father.
We have a range of departments that are seeking articles and features focusing on the following:

• Ordinary Dads that do amazing feats.
• Recipes and crafts cool enough for dad.
• Fun and inexpensive activities.
• How to have certain conversations about sensitive material.
• Famous Fathers.
• Anything fatherhood related.

Please submit three writing samples and query for story ideas. Pay is negotiable based on experience and quality of work.
I look forward to receiving your queries and samples. Thank you for your interest in Daddy’s Day!

Sincerely,

A.J. Keller
Live your daydream!

RESPONSE:

Dear A. Jew Killer,

You have described me perfectly.  I’m that dad who drives my failed genetics I call my children around in the van, but when I drop them off at school (because their fat asses and weak ankles can’t walk 3 blocks…3 MOTHERFUCKING FATHERFUCKING BLOCKS!) I make love to my mustang in the garage.  Then when I’m done having sex with my horse-faced neighbor, I drive my sports car around.  I am married, but I usually just tell people I was widowed by saying my wife died in 9/11 because that’s like having an already big bowl of ice cream but then topping it with pornography.  That’s right, chicks dig it.  One could say being a father is the best job in the world, but that person is retarded and that person is you.  Ever been the clean-up guy at a strip club?  The work is disgusting but the perks are mind-blowing…FREE PRETZELS!  Now that’s a good motherfucking job.

Fortunately for you, I have a sample.  It’s short, to the point, and covers one of your chosen topics:

1) Fun and inexpensive activity:  “The Rambler”

The rambler is a game where you sneak up on your child while he’s watching tv and stuff him in a sack (A good sack, not the cheap kind) and run outside with him above your head yelling “RAMBLE RAMBLE!”  Then leave him outside until he comes back in hours later (hours may vary depending on intelligence of child).  The only cost to you is the time it takes to snatch said sack from a homeless person.

Also, I took the liberty of designing the cover for your magazine.  Enjoy:

JOB: News Paper Removal

This post comes from a man with a PhD in vague script.  The post is titled, “News Paper Removal” and this is what it contained:

“Room full of newspaper.”

RESPONSE:

Work Man like job.  Move paper…dandle hungry.

.

.

.

That’s it, if he was going to provide a post with absolutely no information about the job, I’ll apply for it with no details whatsoever as well.  I applaud him in the fact that like every job that requires you to do mind-numbing simple tasks so easy a beaten child could do it, he will probably want a resume from everyone despite the fact that he is unable to write a complete sentence.  However, he excels at room descriptions.  I can only imagine him in the real estate business.

JOB OFFER: Nude Administrative Assistant

Yes…I got this email a few minutes ago and had a conversation with someone over the internet who was probably nude at the time.  Who knows.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if I posted a resume on craigslist only to get a job as a nude administrative assistant to an adult escort service in Florida?  I’m out of here Chicago.

The Pic is hard to see, so I’ll just transcribe it below (but you can also see the terrible picture of it here)

Him to me:

I think I may have a position for you.  Are you able to re-locate to Key West, FL?

Me to him:

I’m jobless, I’m able to do whatever I want.  What do you have in store?

Him to me:

How do you feel about being an administrative assistant for an adult escort company?  Pay is $16/hour and you get to be nude most of the time with nude co-workers (both male and female).  Also provides full benefits.

Me to him:

I had to consult my magic 8-ball on this one.  I asked it, “Is this guy serious?”  It came up, “I usually have never lost faith in you before, but are you in all seriousness retarded?”  So, I’m going to have to ask…are you serious?  Also, why as the administrative assistant would I be required to be naked?  Do I get to go out on business trips completely nude as well?

Him to me:

I’m serious. My corp is very…unique. We welcome and embrace nudity and the human body. You’ll find Key West, FL is a very open environment with many clothing-optional places. You’re over 18, I presume?

Me to him:

Yes, I am over 18.  Florida would be pretty awesome, and that pay sounds fantastic.  Well, I am definitely considering it, as I have nothing going on here.  I cannot just make the instantaneous decision to move to Florida at one in the morning though, so I will get back to you this week.

Him to me:

The reason I liked your ad was because you have personality. Don’t lose that. It’s your calling card.

If you decide you’re serious, send me some pictures and let me know if you’re able to fly down to Key West for an interview. I won’t pay for your initial flight or expenses, but if you’re what I’m looking for, I’ll definitely re-imburse relocation expenses.

END

So all in all, I really have nothing to say as I am speechless.  This is probably the first serious sounding job offer I have gotten from craigslist ever, and that’s saying something because it requires me to be nude in florida.  I love how he says, “and you get to be nude most of the time,” as if I am a 5 year old who rips off my clothes once I walk in the door.  “Oh thank god!  One more hour in those pants and I would have been a goner!”  The question is…what the fuck do I do now?  And let me clarify now, when I say, “what the fuck do I do now?”…I mean, what should I do to this person?  I am confused and now, possibly naked because I wish this were real as $16 an hour is fucking sweet.  Florida is alright I guess…if you like living where old people go to die.

JOB: Copyeditor for The Onion

Qualified candidates will possess:

Exceptional grammatical skills and knowledge of AP style

Familiarity with our editorial voice & the ability to judge whether something fits

Ability to thrive in deadline-driven environment with a large editorial team

Good computer skills, with web publishing and website maintenance a huge plus

A self-starter with initiative

At least one year of experience, and/or a degree, in journalism, publishing, or a related field is ideal.

RESPONSE:

You are The Onion,

I am your new writer.  Hello, nice to meet you.  I suppose we should chat a little bit before I stroll in there next week and ask you to go get me some coffee.  I like my coffee how I like my sweatshirt, so figure that one out and get back to me.  I saw your list of requirements, printed them out and threw it in the shit bowl.  I held back my bowels for a good two days, and then took a dump on it.  I’m telling you that it was above the water line.  It was like a beautiful glacier.  There was the tip that you could see, and hiding under it was an abomination to man sitting atop your listed requirements.  Do you know why I did that?  I did it because your list of requirements is shit to me, and I took it literally.  If you didn’t catch that, I am referencing myself taking a shit on said requirements.  My grammatical skills are fuckticulously amazing, and my knowledge of AP style is surpassed only by a sherpa who lives up in the mountains of Nepal.  Can’t win them all I guess.  I know your guys’ shit, that’s why I am applying.  When the fuck do I not have a deadline in life?!  Is this a serious question?  Are the expiration dates on my food products not enough?  I make sure to ingest them before time runs out.  Except for milk, can’t ever drink that fucking milk before it goes bad.  Motherfucking milk.  I emailed you and have blogs.  My internet skills are probably better than 75% of the country because I can do those things.  I also own peanutbutternipples.com.  I am completely serious as I have changed the site image to “Yes Kryan from The Onion, I fucking own this site.”  Check it out, as owning that site is probably one of my most favored achievements.  It takes a real self-starter to get up before 12pm when you have nothing going on that day.  I do it sometimes.  Journalism?  I blog.  I write stories.  Sure, they may all be fake, but if one day the government decides to drain the ocean into an orb in space next to the moon so we can drive around the ocean floor in hummers and find atlantis, then I will be the best reporter alive and can predict the future.  I am the most qualified person you will ever meet, and I expect my coffee when you call me in for an interview next week.

Steve YEAH
7089833010
www.peanutbutternipples.com

JOB: Greenpeace Turd

Are you looking to make a change in the world?

Greenpeace is currently hiring motivated and confident individuals to build its grassroots power.

GREENPEACE is the world’s largest organization standing up for the environment and disarmament.  We are a global group of activists committed to stopping global warming, protecting ancient forests, preserving our oceans, and protecting communities from toxic threats.

GLOBAL WARMING IS NOW. From melting glaciers to rising sea levels, people around the world are threatened because of our reliance on dirty fossil fuels.  Our government has been slow to support renewable energy because they are largely influenced by Big Oil and Big Coal.
THAT IS WHY WE NEED YOU! Greenpeace is hiring individuals to join our Frontline fundraising team here in Chicago.  The pay is $12-$13 per hour plus bonus and benefits.  The best employees looking for careers are trained to manage Greenpeace offices or local campaign work.

Margaret Mead once said, “Never doubt that a group of thoughtful, commited citizens can change the world.  Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

RESPONSE:

Hello fellow Earth enthusiasts.  I am Captain Planet.  YES!  I am looking to make a change in the world.  I even went so far as to disfigure myself to the colors of Mother Earth herself, and if its wrong to have an Earthrection for your Mother Earth, then I don’t want to be right.  Problem: for some reason, I only appear when 5 little turds summon me with some stupid rings they probably got out of a cereal box.  You will have to hire all of them too.  Let’s see, there’s 2 whites, an asian, a black, and some pacific islander.  I used to fight all this crap for free, on my own good will, but then something horrible happened.  My last rent check bounced, and they have had it in for me ever since I tried to save on my heating bill with my god given powers.  So really, I need a job.  I need a job bad.  I could easily rob a bank or something, but those little turds are against anything fun.  I was getting down with the asian chick(I have a thing for em) and she just fuckin stops and says some bullshit about premarital sex.  I can’t even have premarital sex?!  What the fuck do these failed genetics do for fun?!  Do they just play spin the bottle and give each other handshakes instead?!  I’m not even talking about the good kind of handshakes.  I’m sorry, where were we?  Oh, right.  So my people skills are not very good, mostly because of my child-frightening appearance, but I am learning.  I believe that I can handle annoying the fuck out of apathetic city folk one after the other.  That is the job right?  Wait a minute…what the fuck do you people even do?  Also, you may want to rethink some of those quotes, because I don’t usually take advice from someone who is seen “usually wearing a distinctive cape and carrying a tall, forked walking stick.”  Also, the whole group changing a world thing?  Well, I doubt a one person army can fuck some shit up, so you’re going to need a group anyway.  So anytime the world is changed, it is always by a group of people and citizens of something.  The quote is vague and invalid.

Well, thanks for the time I guess.  I look forward to hearing from you.

With your powers combined,

I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!